Gimli's Object of Affection
by mistdevil
Summary: So sue me. Tolkien's probably turning and plotting to kill me in his grave right now. The title explains it. Warning: The story complete sucks.
1. Default Chapter

I need a life. I know, after inspiration AND motivation from a very demented slash story (crude humor, by the way), I've decided to make another awesome parody because that's what good authors write. Right?  
  
Wait, first, I have to think of a good plot.  
  
...  
  
Still thinking...  
  
It's 10:30pm, and my ass hurts. Oh. Right. Story time cheesy grin:  
  
Warnings: Strange pairings, demented slash, what else is there to say?

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Chapter One: The Maiden from Rohan

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Soft footsteps pattered the wooden stairs as a maiden (with no name, because its so mysterious!!! And this is NOT A MARY SUE BITCHES KEKEKE ok-) ran up the hollow stairs of an inn in Rohan. Of course, Rohan had no inn, but that was beside the point. She peeked into the keyhole of Room 101, in which interesting noises and grunts emitted into thuds.  
  
"Oh Gimli," a voice cried, "stop! That tickles hehehe."  
  
"My love, we are finally together after several long years," Gimli sighed as he gazed into his lover's eyes. Long strands of blonde hair hung out from the sheets. Gimli wanted nothing more than...his treasure after the ride of Edoras on in front of Legolas. He should have been behind...  
  
Anyway, the party of Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli, and Gandalf arrived that day to the Golden Halls after Gandalf miraculously returned from the dead- somehow, Gimli didn't believe him when Gandalf said he killed the Balrog straight forth. Something told the stout dwarf that manly sex was involved, but who knows? Surely, fire and sparkly white clothes don't go together.  
  
Gimli's attention returned to the Great Naked One in front of his eyes. Adorable blue eyes eagerly looked up at him, caressing his soul. He giggled. Before he could glomp his lover's arms off, a gasp outside the Room 101 door.  
  
The maiden couldn't believe her beautiful eye. As Gimli turned over, staring straight towards the path of his partner, the girl could see that it was...  
  
It was Theoden, the king, wearing strawberry sneakers and red bondage.  
  
"TAKE MEEEEEEEE GIMLIIIIIII!!!" Theoden shouted in an un-kingly manner, "OMG THAT RHYMES!!! 'Mee' and "Gimli" hehehehehe."  
  
It was going to be a long night.

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Oh my god. I should be shot for writing this. 


	2. The Fun Begins

**Chapter Two: The Fun Begins**

As Gimli laid in Theoden's arms- those muscular set of tree trunks- the morning after, he snuggled closer in the sheets.

"Tell me a story, Teddy!" A little cute teddy bear kinda just popped in Gimli's mind. Oh, woe is me…

The Rohan King glanced at Gimli for a second, and then sighed. "Oh, alright. If you insist, I will begin a magical tale of bravery and loyalty-"

"No, silly. Not one of your mundane _war_ stories. I meant a romantic story. You know, the ones where Prince Charming sweeps a fair lady- er, or a ruffy man- off her- his- feet and they get married and live happily ever after." Gimli proceeded onto play with Theoden's locks of beautiful flowing hair.

Theoden promptly fell asleep.

"…"

After several issues of Gimli poking him god-knows-where (and who knows all the places a king of Rohan could be tickled), Theoden finally woke up from his deep slumber.

"Fine. Where was I? Oh yes. And then I knocked over TWO trolls at once, mind you, they were extremely scary and I almost peed in my manly skirt. Afterwards, the enemy's knights came charging up my butt, but I stopped them with one swing of my awesome sword, and-"

Thud.

"FINE! Be that way. Humph. Who would think that a dwarf is so…"

"Fullfilling?" Gimli grinned.

"No."

"Radiant?"

"…"

"Nevermind, JUST TELL THE DAMN STORY."

"Oh ok," Theoden grinned as his hands traveled upwards. "Once upon a time, there was a stunningly handsome King who met a dwarf named Grimli- or was it Gimil? Anyway, they noticed each other at once at a Kingly party. The king had too much to drink, and the dwarf had too little. So naturally, they hit it off on the streets of Rohan (thank the lord it was night), and came to an inn where the fun began. Although it was fun, it was a one night thing. They went their separate ways afterwards. The end."

Gimli's eyes watered into unnaturally large teardrops, and began to sob profoundly. "Am I not good enough for you? Am I just a sex slave? HUH? You wanna piece of this?"

censored out for slashy man sex/violence

end-

God, you can shoot me now.


End file.
